the execution of all things. [entries|friends|calendar] miss.i have better hair than you [ website | yuck. ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

post. [02 Jan 2009|07:55am] my mother died this morning. i do not know what to do. ***1, +++

florida [01 Feb 2008|10:16am] is awesome. i suggest you all move down here. and nicole akopian ;;; TAKE A VACATION AND COME AND VISIT ME! i just read your livejournal entry about your life beig boring. come to florida and hang out by the ocean. problem solved. ***2, +++

[23 Dec 2007|02:38pm] he proposed. and the ring is BEAUTIFUL. i saw my baby on the ultrasound thursday. 7.5 cm long! she/he was kicking and waving. and all looks well. active baby!!! photos soon ***4, +++

[21 Nov 2007|09:29am] [ mood | sad ] pearl died yesturday. all i want to do is cry. ***1, +++

[29 Apr 2007|10:43pm] [ mood | fuck you ] blegh. this week... has been.. weird. i really have nothing to say that matters to anyone who reads this. i'm at a cross roads. i still haven't decided if i'm liking this or not. i feel like i'm starting a new life. and it's scary. i'm scared of growing up. scared of losing people. blegh. sometimes. i hate having friends. god damnit. why do i have friends. hah. fucking bastards. if you read this. we are no longer friends. duh. because if we were friends you wouldn't be reading this to know what's going on in my life at the moment. you'd be talking to me directly ie; phone or in person. fuck the internet. and fuck the police. hah. oh my god. this entry is pointless. if you are still reading this. you are a waste of space. and air. stop breathing and wasting my fucking air. oxygen god damnit. fuck you. i hate you all so much. haha. yes, i think this is funny. so if you want to be my friend. awesome. lets hang out. and if you don't , THEN CUT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH AQUAINTENCES ANYMORE. and i don't care if i spelled that wrong shitass. ***1, +++

go to hell and crawl back. [02 Apr 2007|06:44pm] today is going horribly. i am so sick of flakey people. if you want a friend you're going to have to BE a friend. i'm sick of miscommunication. i'm sick of everyone being unstable. -not that i'm stable haha. i'm getting better, i swear. if i weren't then i wouldn't be as calm as i am right now. and i am sure as hell i'd be crying a whole lot more. i need to release and let this person know what i'm feeling about everything. and they don't care or they just don't want to hear it. i don't have a fucking notebook with paper in it otherwise i'd write you a god damn letter. i don't have a fucking notebook with paper in it otherwise i'd be writing in that instead of a fucking online blog. i'm just so sick of being denied the fact of having emotions and feelings. no one is answering their cell phone. perfect timing for all of my friends to be busy. although, my best friend did pick up and answer both of the times that i did call her, crying. i know she reads this , so when you do read this jessica, i know that we haven't been hanging out or talking that much lately, but i know we're having pretty much some of the same problems, but i love you and i'll always be there for you. like you're there for me. on to other things. i scheduled a feature for may 20,2007. londell "his-story" he's an amazing slam poet competing to go down to austin,tx. and i just know he's going to put everyone in trixies on the edge of their seat when he comes to feature. soooo. i am constantly changing and getting better. and it's awesome. and if you don't want to be in my life anymore, let me know. ***1, +++

[23 Mar 2007|12:55pm] number one. my hair smells amazing. always. number two. what is this horrible pain in my side and why won't it go away. number three. i'm really happy i get to wear flowy skirts now that it's getting warm. number four. WHO THE FUCK DRANK ALL OF MY CAPRI SUNS. number five. (relating to number four) i think my mother is hoarding them under her bed number six. i am hanging out with carl tonight, and this makes me happy. :) number seven. i hate missing people. blegh. ouch pain. ouch. ***2, +++

god damnit;;; i have a stye in my eye [09 Mar 2007|11:35pm] The cigarette smoke danced like butterflies; as we slept intertwined like the most experienced contortionists. Mangling and molding out bodies together like twisting vines. Wrapped up in sheets of eight hundred thread count cotton. Skin and flesh blanketing our every move. The bond shared between organ and bone. And never ending fingertips along every contour the body takes shape. Veins of mass destruction; Limbs tied in knots. Rotting away desires and experience. We scream; Like monsters. Throwing away facades and bleeding away fantasies. Invincible are we, through crucifying the scarlet letters on eachother's back. Composing a symphony of "mmm's" and "ahhh's"; Reaking with a backsplash of alcoholic splurge. Count how many bones my ribcage enhabits. Enhancing the mandatory committment the physical acquire in the middle of the night. Marks of sweat from the back of my knees cover those shaking shoulders. Conquer the urges and vulnerability. and rub my inner thigh with intellect; scraping honesty into my neck. Figuratively gouging my thoughts out. We scream; Like monsters through the night. My; inability to disattatch myself from your eyes; filled with mortal disbelief. A charming manifestation of new moralities; And carnal knowledge seaping out of every pour; Clogged with repentance. Dividending emotions and truth; coordinating muscle mass- Purposely ignoring the aftermath. We slept that night; Like the most experienced contortionists. The morning that comes with the harshest reality. The rudeness of the sun blinding our eyes. And bitter; like the blackest cup of coffee. It doesn't suit my taste. -Nor satisfy +++

[22 Feb 2007|01:35pm] broken hearted. ***1, +++

i haven't updated in a while but i think i should so... [20 Feb 2007|12:34pm] YAYYYYY POLISH DONUT DAYYYYYY! +++

[10 Jan 2007|05:10pm] 4:51 AM; THREE MINUTES FAST This; is a ritual. Where the heart races, and the thoughts pound. This; can be a spectacle of sorts. The low murmuring of a television too loud in the next room. Intertwining of cigarette smoke and yesterday’s makeup. Eyes watering; fists clenched to white. A cold blue will resurfaces; shades of beige covering this tired window. This; is a ritual. The pen marks the paper with insomnia. Mental anxiety balancing out through physical convulsions. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. The chest and the ribcage rise and fall. With a rage of their own. This; is a ritual. Taking place well after the midnight hour. When the city sleeps; if this pollution factory ever sleeps. Grinding teeth to dust. This devastating ceremony of bodily injuries. This beautiful malice, wonderful passion of anger. One of those “manic” nights again. When indisposition crawls through skin, leaving marks of psychotic envy, for the comatose. Late night television is the worst. Do people actually buy the knives the food processors sold between the hours of two and six am. ? This: is a ritual. Wishful thinking of prescription pills to sooth. Tired dark colored eyes watching the world tomorrow. The hemorrhage softens with the sun. But the blood still boils at a simmer, waiting for the next of these insane nights. This; is a ritual. +++

[26 Dec 2006|12:03am] SO GUESS FUCKING WHAT. THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT I GOT TODAY WAS MY FUCKING PERIOD. not. this sucks. whats up cramps. ***1, +++

[19 Dec 2006|01:35am] [ mood | irritated ] i'm sorry to have to say this, but i'm really getting frustrated with how many people i know complain about how shitty their holiday is or will be; it really is not that bad. and i think that some of these people should use me as an example of how shitty it can get. I'M STILL FUCKING STANDING GUYS, LOOK WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. i'm really tired of people pitying themselves, for stupid stuff, seriously, yeah you may not have a fucking boyfriend or girlfriend for the holidays and shit but seriously, you have friends that fucking love you. THAT'S WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT, FRIENDS AND FAMILY, and if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, then that's great, go you, but sit around and pity yourself because you don't. also, i have noticed recently that a person has been complaining about listening and helping people with their problems ;;; IF THAT'S HOW YOU REALLY FEEL THEN TELL THE PERSON CONFIDING IN YOU TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES. don't act like you really care when you don't. i feel as if i'm having jealousy issues with the boy. i've never really been the jealous type of girl, but still. sometimes he just crosses the line. and just let me put this on the record ;;;;;; IT'S NOT FUN FOR ME TO SIT THERE AND WATCH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS GET DRUNK WHEN I'M NOT DRINKING. IT'S JUST NOT FUN. the end. fucking seriously. that's just some bullshit. in other news i started my mother's scrapbook present today and it's going along rather nicely. hung out with suzi. went bowling. wanted to shove my head in the oven. i'm having heart palpitations. isn't that fucking lovely. now, if you want to get me a christmas present, give me 65 dollars so i can go to the fucking doctors and get this shit checked out. oh and by the way, going places where i might have an anxiety attack doesn't help either. life is fucking exhausting. fuck this. ***1, +++

[15 Dec 2006|02:03am] [ mood | happy ] I AM IN LOVE. so hi. i am happy. very rarely does this occur. i baked him cookies today. and ended both of our evenings at lindas. our kisses tasting like lemon water/coffee/cigarettes. we love eachother. i like where this is going.... +++

[23 Nov 2006|06:50pm] i hate thanksgiving. i slept through most of it. it is now quarter to six. my options are : 1.reheat some thanksgiving food and actually eat today. 2.sit on the computer. 3.take another sleeping pill and then go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better. i miss my dad. fuck. +++

[17 Nov 2006|06:09pm] i got the job. oh yay. +++

[17 Nov 2006|01:46pm] i think that today will be a better day than the past two.... job interview today at four! *crosses fingers* +++

[14 Nov 2006|08:17am] seven months. and still no sleep. ***1, +++

in red ink [11 Nov 2006|02:01am] [ mood | contemplative ] standing outside of this warm colored coffee house makes me feel lucky. a feeling i have never experienced. but don't get me wrong. i have felt thankful. i have counted my blessings, and numbered things i have felt priveleged for. the holidays are approaching fast. i still have to decide in my mind whether to look forward to them or avoid them by sleeping the days away- filling my empty stomache with sleeping pills and prescribed antidepressants. for me; the past six or seven months have been a holiday season. for the following reasons; 1.my "family" making me cry quarts of tears. 2.sadness;depression 3.my heart was cold/or still is ? although i'm not sure. 4.the sunny summer days; my eyes covered with sunglasses to shield out the truth --ie;denial-of thinking love is there but it alas is not. maybe this holiday season will be different. maybe after spending all of the past months with a cold heart. and experiencing feelings only held within the season. maybe with the scent of nutmeg and clove my heart will warm. i am still trying to figure out why i am unsure of most things. did this start after he was gone ? or was i always so indecisive ? i am starting to notice how many times i say "i suppose" or "i guess" and things of that nature. i have decided to ban these words from my yielding vocabulary. although, i don't think it will work that well. we'll see. how can anyone help you----- -----if you can't help yourself ? a piece of history. +++

[04 Nov 2006|01:34am] [ mood | cold ] i hung out with suzi tonight and last night. it was lovely. i missed her. stayed up for 28ish hours, went to numerous meijers and thrift stores. we were sassy and tired. i put extensions in her hair, and they came out reallllllly well. i am proud of myself :). tomorrow is seth's show. which suz and i will be attending. www.myspace.com/sethgrass for more info. he is an amazing musician, and he even wrote a song about me :) halloween season is officially over. which makes me kind of sad. i will miss everyone that i worked with in the haunted house so much. i have an ear infection. someone please cut off my ear. yay for randomness. ***4, +++

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]